He didn’t reply my message last night. I guess he dozed off already. Today i didn’t send him anything at all. I feel so empty. S i find some guts to text him.
“Saygness, I’d like to wish u slmt bpuasa. Moga rezeki u mlimpah ruah, cpt dpt kerja kot belah sini so u xyah p kl. I want u to b reachable. Xoxo”
He replied:
“Slmt posa gak. Murah rezeki posa dpt cni kot”
He mentioned “dapat sini”. Therefore, my infatuation tells me, not-so-secretly he wants to be up north too. Wheee!!
Yes we text yesterday and last night. Before I go to sleep, I text him again, telling him I don’t feel good about going moving to Kulim. But he didn’t reply. I wish he did, so I could tell him, how much i wanted him to be near me.
M, I don’t want you to find any job in KL. In fact I know you did and I know after Raya, if you don’t get any offer, you are likely to work in KL. But you’ll be far away. I’m afraid I don’t have strength to go on alone. You know how I want you to be by my side.
We didn’t have any communication at all today. It scares me. It tumbles me upside down. It made my head messy and my heart aches. I feel like throwing up.
Last day of the job camp. Very excruciating. The group totally ignored us (M & I) yesterday. I decided to stay away from them the whole day. I was just waiting for an email from Infineon all day long. I don't care about other things.
We plan to go late today, so on our way we stop at a stall. Every morning we pass by that stall, wondering what are they offering, people seem to swarm the stall. It’s not any wonder of the world. Just nasik minyak and friend chicken with curry gravy. We are a little bit regret our decision.
It rains almost along the journey, therefore it’s pretty cold. I made my move because M will be so hot and so touchable when it’s cold. I saw him smile. Happy smile. He asked me, how do I know. There are a lot of things I know about you, and you are now aware of me knowing it. Since it is pretty early, we went to manja2. I love it that he doesn’t show any refusal. I always love you M.
I feel like wanting to ask him out tonight and manja2 again, but I don't have any guts. Plus he’s busy applying for jobs. I hope to see him soon..very soon.
We skipped our evening class. We happily went to Jitra to buy a hand phone for M’s brother. We bought a basic one. I was my turn to drive, and I drove along the road that we used to take each time we wanna go to Jitra.
It feels like driving down the memory lane. I really really wanna touch him the way we used to. But I remember, that day when he was driving and I hold his hand. At one point, I have to let go, and he didn’t grab my hand back. We were silent until I reach home. And that was the only time I thank him. Since then, I never take the first move.
I find it painful when his moves can be translated into a refusal.
Deep down I really wanna do things like we do before. Tomorrow is the final day. I wanna find sometimes to make our moment memorable. It wouldn't ask nothing more. Its ok if it will be just the two if us, loving each other. I don't need words. Who need words anyway. Kalau boleh bergolek2 sambil manja2 pon sudah cukup bahagia.
I skipped my job camp to attend an interview. Urgh! He didn’t even wish me good luck. How could he?! But he’s still cranked up some jokes. Actually I’m not mad, not mad at all. It’s because he still have the confidence in me.
The interview was almost 2 hours but I think it was a promising one. The interviewer said, he doesn’t want a candidate who will move away after getting married. I said, “I hope I can get my boyfriend to work around this area. If you know any vacancy within your network please let me know.” He replied, “There’s always a help.”
Great!
M told me he’s sleeping at Bob’s crib. In that case, tomorrow I’ll be going to the job camp alone. I don’t really fancy that. I love being in the car with him. I can constantly smack his tummy. I keep teasingly say, he’s seducing me each time he puts his hands behind his head. But I think instead of solely teasing, I also think it’s true. I always wanna touch him whenever he put his hands behind his head..always. But I resist it most of the time.
Hm.. since we are not going together tomorrow, there’s no more intimate moment between us.
Today is the final Monday of our job camp. It’s my turn to fetch him. We drive to the job camp alternately. I love the idea that he wears a yellow T-shirt while I wear a pale yellow shirt. Okay la..I admit, it is cream instead of yellow haha.
We start our C-programming project today. But less than an hour, my phone rings. A lady from Infineon calls; sets up an appointment for an interview tomorrow. I freak out. I tremble. Not much I hear from him. But I am still glad that he offers some encouragement.
Later, we go for a break with a huge group. About 10 of us. And then I go to unit peperiksaan to get my transkrip. Too bad they don’t allow me to get another copy of my transcript. They want me to produce an appeal letter. After producing the letter, I go to unit peperiksaan again. This time with him. I love the idea that he wants to go with me, instead of just asking to take the transcript on his behalf.
Today is pretty fucked up for both of us. We think we are on the verge of being expel from the group. But that’s ok, he and I can work magic!
I request him to send me his resume. I need that for tomorrow interview. On the way back I kinda give him hints that I want us to work near to each other, but he boldly admit he’s waiting for Bob’s company to call him from KL. So since I got his resume, I think I will send it out to various companies near to where I will be working.
Late night, I couldn’t stop thinking, what would it be if I’m up north and he’s in the metropolitan. It starts to tear me apart. My heart aches. My hands are shaking. I close my eyes and I feel piercing pain. I grab my cellphone and text him about wanting him to work near. But its late night, I blame the late night that he doesn’t reply. I know he’s cool. I love him, that’s why he’s cool yikes!
Stay close don’t go..M!
I tried almost everything. I created slide shows, wrote a letter each everyday, printed them out, sealed them with kisses, I wrote in a few books all these years, I wrote on fancy papers, I comemorated what I fell simply everywhere. However, I don't have any guts (up till now) to give to him, to be truly open to him.
I remember the first few months after we started to get close, we sat next to each other in class. I like to scribble in his book the word "muncung". When he flipped the pages and came to the page where I scribble those names he would act as if he was pissed. He tickled me knee. He poked me.
I call him names. Muncung is one of them. He started it, he said I pouted whenever he teased me. I said he is the one who had such a puty lips, pointer forward. He denied it. Long after that he admitted it. But still, he'll be mad if I call him muncung, even after the confession.
I wouldn't say a word about this blog. If he ever read this, let say in the next ten years, I hope he knows I'm here, thinking of him, everyday, without fail. It's been more than two years now.
Even after two years, we are still seeing each other. I meet him practically 5 days a week now. We joined a job camp at our university. We are just graduated, actively seeking for a job. Next week is our final week at the job camp. Honestly, I totally freak out of what will happen next.
He hardly reply my text messages now. I don't know it is because we are now pretty broke, since we both have no source of income; that he wanted to save up some money.
I love you M!
+ a day without you just like a plant without water. it wont die, just dry +
